Sleep and Routine Tips with Siblings

If you follow a lot of parenting accounts on Instagram like I do, you’ve probably seen the following poll about 9 million times:

What was harder for you?

Going from 0-1 kid
Going from 1-2 kids
Going from 2-3 kids
4+ kids

Every time I see this poll I think I answer differently based on my mood. I honestly don’t know which transition was the hardest for me.

When Landen was born, I was learning how to be a mom while also navigating the needs of a preemie and the emotional roller coaster of parenting a preemie.

When Joey was born, I was navigating our near perfect routine having to completely shift, and learning to deal with sibling jealousy. I will never forget the moment Landen saw me holding Joey for the first time and let out a high pitched scream, pushed her off my lap and said “NO! MY MOMMY!”

The moment they met for the very first time (other than seeing her through a window at the hospital), he was terrified of her.

When Graham was born, I was navigating a global pandemic where we were all of a sudden outnumbered in our parent to baby ratio (and they were ALL babies, Landen was only 3 and Joey 2 when Graham was born), and yet outside help was really hard to come by.

It is all hard. If you have one kid or 10 kids, it’s hard. If I had to pick though, I think 1-2 kids was probably the hardest transition for me in the moment because of the routine changes, but having 3 kids right now in this moment is the hardest it’s ever been.

This moment filled with joy and excitement was much easier to navigate the fear and jealousy when Joey was born. But right now the needs of three preschoolers in a pandemic world (no, it’s not over) is really the hardest parenting stage I’ve been in.

Over the last 5.5 years I’ve learned a lot about navigating routine changes and sleep changes with 3 different kids and 3 different needs, and hopefully I can help you do the same. After a quick instagram poll, it seems like people are interested in navigating bedtime, morning wake up, and nap time with siblings, so I’m going to try to address all of that here. I am not going to talk about aligning naps with siblings though, because that is a topic for its own post so maybe I’ll get to that next. Just remember that all I can tell you here is what worked for ME. If something else works better for you PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THE LADY ON THE INTERNET. ALWAYS DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY NO MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY OR DO.

Bedtime:

Make sure you have a bedtime routine

I’m going to start with bedtime because for me, this was the easiest to navigate after Joey was born. This is true for a lot of reasons but reason number 1 is that Landen had a solid routine and great sleep habits. So my number 1 tip for navigating bedtime is to make sure you have a bedtime routine. This doesn’t have to be long, and it doesn’t have to be the same for every family, but the benefits of a routine go way beyond navigating sibling relationships, this is just one added bonus.

Do as much of the routine together as you can

When I say the routine doesn’t have to be long, what I mean is the part in the bedroom doesn’t have to be long. A quick book and/or song, a cuddle, and lights out! However, there are other aspects of the routine that may not be super quick like dinner and a bath. For anything outside the bedroom, do it together whenever possible. This may be difficult with a newborn because their feeding times may not line up with toddler’s dinner time, or it’s not safe to have the baby in the bath with the toddler, but as soon as these things CAN be done together, do them together!

Baby wearing, swings, cribs, floors, and determining needs

And before that time, baby wearing can save your sanity. That time before bed can get very chaotic. Everyone is tired, hungry, and overstimulated. However, it’s likely that your toddler needs to go to bed for the night and your newborn needs more feeds. As long as your baby is fed, strap him/her into a baby carrier to do your toddlers routine while baby sleeps on you.

But what if your baby hates the carrier and just keeps screaming which is setting your toddler off and pushing everything later causing everyone to become overtired and making everything worse and it’s starting to feel like a dumpster fire. Or what if your toddler REALLY needs alone time with you which is setting your toddler off and pushing everything later causing everyone to become overtired and making everything worse and it’s starting to feel like a dumpster fire.

This is the advice I have given to every new parent of two that I know: determine who needs you more (spoiler: it’s usually your toddler). That's right I said it. Your newborn DOES NOT NEED YOU all that much. If you are putting your toddler to sleep and your newborn is interfering, put the baby down somewhere safe. Maybe the carrier isn’t working out but they love the swing. Maybe they are comfortable in their crib. Maybe you just lay them on the floor. Whatever it is, your baby will be okay for a few minutes (and this is why I always recommend a quick routine!).

Of course it’s not always that simple. Of course there are times when your newborn needs you more. Maybe they aren’t calming down because they are truly hungry. Maybe they need a new diaper. In these cases yes, your newborn needs you more and you’re in a sweat trying to get your toddler down. But try to make sure the baby is fed and changed before your toddler’s bedtime to avoid these chaotic moments and know that these moments will still happen when everyone needs you at once and it’s okay to make one or two or all kids wait a few minutes so you can handle one of them or even just let yourself calm down.

Let your toddler help

Now all of this is based on your toddler going to sleep before your newborn which is often the case. But maybe it’s not the case in your situation. If you have to put your baby down before your toddler. Let your toddler “help”! Give them a role they can do, like bringing you the pajamas or picking out a diaper. Or just let them be next to you if they're too young to even do that. Landen was 18 months old when Joey was born. He was certainly not helpful but he also was never letting go of my side, obviously. So just letting him be in the room for Joey’s naps became part of Joey’s routine, and she even began requesting him there. She actually didn’t request alone time in her routine until she was 3 years old. It was all she knew.

Before I get to my last tip for a *more* peaceful bedtime, I want to circle back for a second. I went on a tangent about newborns and toddlers because that’s when things start to go awry and routines get messed up until new routines are made. But maybe you have two toddlers or a preschooler and a toddler. This is where I would go back to doing as much of the routine together as you can. Dinner, bath, pajamas, maybe even books and songs can all be together in one room. After that if you want to give each kid individual attention, leave the older one alone for a few minutes with a book or some toys and do a super quick solo routine for the little one, and then go finish up with the big kid.

Divide and Conquer

Finally, I want to end with the biggest tip of all which is only possible if you’re not doing bedtime alone. Divide and conquer. I know this isn’t possible for everyone and it isn’t possible for every night, but if you do have a house where there are two adults both home at bedtime most nights, part of developing your routine should involve deciding who will take on each role before it happens so your decision making is not contributing to the chaos. Eric does the baths while I get the pajamas and water. Eric puts Graham to bed while I get Landen and Joey in their pajamas. Eric reads with Landen while I put Joey to bed, then I finish up Landen’s routine while Eric patrols Joey’s door because she is a massive night-time trouble maker. This is the same every night and knowing who is doing what makes the whole routine go much more smoothly. Guys. Bedtime is still chaos. Every. Single. Night. But it is manageable and I don’t completely lose my mind because I know what moments will be chaotic and how to lean into it. And the routine is so solid that even if one of us is not home at bedtime, we can usually run through this routine pretty seamlessly by just keeping them all together more or leaving bigger kids alone for a few minutes.

The morning wake up

So many of these tips apply to the morning wake up as well. With each moment, do a quick assessment of who needs you more. Is your toddler screaming for milk while you baby is screaming for milk? It’s probably going to be much easier to put some milk in a cup for your toddler before feeding the baby because your toddler can hold the milk himself. That way both kids get their milk at the same time, leaning into doing as much of the routine together as you can.

Are you trying to make breakfast for your toddler when your newborn needs a nap? Break out the swing and put the baby down. She will be okay. Or break out the carrier. Baby wearing is a savior in those early days with two.

And of course if you can, divide and conquer. Who is going to get the baby up? Who is going to get the toddler up? Who is going to feed the baby? Who is going to make breakfast? Who is going to deal with getting kids dressed? Where is there time to get yourself dressed? Figure all of these things out beforehand and it’ll make your morning run much more smoothly.

Other than these tips that apply to both mornings and bedtime, there are some other things that you can do to make the mornings run more smoothly.

Do as much as you can the night before, or wake up early

Do as much as you can the night before. Can you pre make breakfast? Can you pre make bottles? Can you pick out clothing? Do you have daycare to prep for? Maybe you can pack the bags and make the lunches. Anything you can get done the night before can take the burden off in the morning.

Okay so I remember when my kids were first born, or even when I was teaching and I had to get up early for work, I hated everyone who told me to do anything the night before. Once my kids are asleep, I am completely dysfunctional. I do not like doing things the night before. I am a morning person though, so for me, waking up before everyone was and is my best time to get things done. I’ve made lunches, breakfasts, exercised, and showered all before my kids get up for the day, but that usually means I have to start around 5 am. So decide what’s best for you!

I also have recently started making school lunches in small pockets of the day, and I make them for two days at a time. Doing this is the afternoon rather than waking up early or going to bed late to do it has been incredibly helpful to me. You have to be able to find a small pocket of the day to do it though, which isn’t always possible.

It’s possible that none of this is for you and you’d rather get things done while your kids are awake. If you follow solid starts, you’d know Jenny, the founder, often says you should never do anything while your kids are asleep that you can do while they’re awake. This advice never worked for me because of the temperaments of my kids, and it seemed like I could get nothing done while they were awake (this is slowly changing as they get older) but if getting ready the night before doesn’t work for you and getting up early doesn’t work for you, then this is some solid advice too! If your kids, by some miracle, are playing independently, jump on this opportunity to fold laundry or prep a meal. Don’t try to play with them and save these tasks for nap time!

And finally, nap time.

According to my polls and also just regular work schedules (although I know this is different in a post covid world), at least one parent will be out of the house at nap time. Divide and conquer is usually impossible for naps, which can definitely make things stressful.

In these cases, you will definitely want to determine who needs you most, but doing as much as possible together will save your sanity. If one of your kids is old enough to be left alone for a few minutes, leave them with some toys and go put your other one down. This is where 1. Having a short routine and 2. Teaching your kids independent sleep skills can be very beneficial for YOU. And just a reminder - maybe your toddler isn’t old enough to be left alone for a few minutes (mine certainly wasn’t) - if it OKAY to not be holding your newborn. It is okay to put that baby down somewhere safe.

Have your toddler help

Have a toddler help put a baby to sleep. Just like at bedtime. Have then pick a diaper or pajamas. Have them sit with you with milk or a snack while you feed the baby. Let them be a part of the routine.

Just to reiterate, my top tips for managing siblings in all settings are below.

Divide and conquer
Determine who needs you more
Get up before the kids
Prepare the night before
Baby wear
Have the big kid “help:
Do as much together as you can

And that’s it! Super simple! JK JK this is all hard. Babies are hard, toddlers are hard, siblings are hard, it will never be easy but hopefully some of these tips can make it feel a little more manageable.

Maybe I’ll write a follow up soon on managing different sibling schedules, but as you know, I make no promises on what’s coming soon or otherwise :-).