Joey’s Sleep Story Part 3 - Crib to Bed Transition

If your read part two of Joey’s sleep story, you may remember that the first time we tried to transition her to a toddler bed it was a complete disaster. Her anxiety about the amount of freedom she had turned into split nights that could only be fixed by converting the bed back into a crib. We transitioned her way too early.

I basically fell into the potty training bed transition trap. I think this is a time that many parents feel it’s time to transition because your kid has to be able to get up to go to the bathroom. What I learned though, is that Joey may have been super independent but at 2 years and 8 months old it doesn’t matter how independent you are, you’re probably going to need an adult to help you go to the bathroom. That meant even if she was waking up in the middle of the night, Eric or I needed to help her so it didn’t really matter if she was in a bed or a crib, we were still in and out of her room and walking her to and from the bathroom. 

What did matter, though, was how NOT ready she was to be sleeping in a bed. So we went back to the crib. But as you probably know by now Joey does not sleep in a crib anymore, so this is the story of the second time we transitioned her.

Joey’s Toddler Bed

Sometime in the summer of 2021, Joey started expressing an interest in having her crib turned back into a toddler bed. We were moving at the end of August so I figured we’d make the transition then if we thought she was truly ready. (Side note: Joey handles transitions and change well. If I told Landen he was moving AND changing beds the world would literally end. This is not the right move for every kid.) I really didn’t make any final decisions on the matter until I took the kids to my parents for a few days while Eric handled the move. When given the choice to sleep in a crib or bed at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, Joey chose a bed. 

We had traveled to Colorado that March and she chose the crib (if you recall, this was the turning point when I realized it was time to switch her back to a crib), and we had traveled to the Hamptons a couple of times that summer where also, Joey chose the crib. Something switched in her that summer though, and she seemed more ready. So when she chose the bed at my parents house and told me she was ready for a bed, I decided to tell Eric to build hers as a toddler bed. She was 3 years and 5 months old.

So when we arrived at our new house, Joey’s crib was a toddler bed.

She was so excited about it and so ready to sleep in it. It was, once again, a disaster, but much less of a disaster than the first time. She would not go to sleep that first night until I took the mattress off the bed. The next few nights were the same - back and forth between the mattress going on the bed and off the bed. Some nights she slept on the mattress on the floor, others she slept on the mattress on the bed, and some nights she just slept right on the floor, but it seemed like every night there was a debate about what it would be.

I want to note that Joey was able to climb in and out of her crib. She had been doing it for months and I knew that she could do it “safely”, but it is recommended that when they climb out you transition for a million safety reasons. In our new house, I didn’t really feel like going back to the crib was an option safety wise so we were committed to this transition this time around.

So we dealt with the back and forth of the mattress for a few weeks while we started to settle in. We then had to go to Baltimore for two weeks in the middle of September because our wood floors were getting redone. While we were there, Joey chose a bed to sleep in and once again slept perfectly.

Back home though, we went right back to moving the mattress from the bed to the floor and back again.

Eventually I told her she had to make a decision about where she wanted her mattress (on or off the toddler bed) and whatever she chose was her choice moving forward. She said “I want a bed with only one wall like at Grandma’s house!” Guys, I cannot explain why - maybe it was PTSD from the last failed transition - maybe it was anxiety about moving - maybe it was something entirely different. I won’t pretend to understand the logic behind toddler requests, but the child wanted a BED not a toddler bed. Fortunately we were planning on getting her a bed and giving her a full big girl room makeover in the new house, but not until we got the carpet installed. This request combined with labor day sales definitely sped up the purchase of said bed. So I bought that bed and as soon as her carpet was installed on October 6, Eric put together her new bed. 

Joey’s Big Girl Bed

I wish I could say night one went great, but it didn’t. I’m entirely convinced this was not transition related and more due to a mishap with some night lights that came on the bed, but that’s a story for another day. Night two was great though, and we’ve had many great nights since. 

We’ve also had many not so great nights since. Joey has always been my toughest at night (I’ll talk about Landen’s early mornings when I get to his story but 10/10 do not recommend parenting one who likes to party at night and one who loves early mornings. Graham is a gift and I deserve him for everything I’ve put up with). The freedom that a bed provides is really hard for her and I truly believe it is scary for her. She isn’t always totally tired when I put her to bed at night and she doesn’t really know what to do with herself when I tell her she’s not allowed to leave her room.

In a perfect world, Joey would have a later bedtime and a later wake up time. However, I have too many kids with too many different needs and too much to fit in before school in the morning so this just isn’t possible. So many of her late night issues are really my fault and I try to be as patient as possible.

So, after the initial novelty of the fun new bed wore off, things got a little weird again. Joey was starting to express bedtime anxiety again, and she kept telling us that she didn’t like sleeping alone. Now, my kids have all slept 100% alone since they were infants. Once they each started going to sleep independently and sleeping through the night, I never helped them to sleep and I never slept in their rooms or stayed in their rooms until they were asleep. And I have NEVER let a kid sleep in my bed. That’s not for me.

So when she said she didn’t like sleeping alone I really didn’t understand it. She’d never known anything else. Sometimes during this time Eric would put her to sleep while I was putting Landen to sleep and I’d find him on the monitor asleep in her room (she was usually running circles around his sleeping body). I really did not want this to become a thing so I asked her about it over and over and over again and reminded her that she’s safe and mommy and daddy are always watching her on her monitor and we’re right downstairs if she needs us. None of this helped.

Joey’s fear of sleeping “alone”

Then one day I said “everyone in this house sleeps alone.” “No we don’t” she said.”You and daddy sleep next to each other…” (I knew this was coming as soon as I said it and immediately regretted it, and I was prepared to say “I meant all the kids sleep alone” but she beat me to the punch line) “...and Landen is next to Graham. At the old house I was next to mommy and daddy and Landen.”

And there it was. Her fear out in the open, perfectly expressed by a 3 year old. In our old house, Joeys room was between and basically connected to both our room and Landen’s room. Graham was right across the hall and all of the rooms were smaller and very close to each other. In the new house, mommy and daddy are downstairs, Landen and Graham share a wall right above mommy and daddy, and Joey’s room is all alone on the opposite side of the loft that she shares with her brothers. Joey has her own bathroom, which will make sense when they’re teenagers,  but right now little Joey feels very alone and this was really scary for her.

Check Ins - my favorite sleep training method

Joey’s sleep anxiety is related to being alone, so we decided that check-ins might help her feel less alone. We also combined this with a reward chart and a bedtime pass, but the check ins were the most critical aspect for her and what really helped her get back on track.

After I put her to bed, I check on her once. Then Eric checks on her twice while I put Landen to bed, and I come back and check on her two more times after Landen’s down. 

I wish I could say things are perfect now. They’re not. Joey’s still a night owl and she still struggles from time to time. She still comes out after her checks are over to tell me she doesn’t like to sleep alone. But things are So. Much. Better. She’s almost always asleep by 7:30 and her mood has improved so much over the past few weeks. 

I know this isn’t the end of her story and I know things will be constantly changing, but for now I feel like things are looking up.