Bedtime Routine fit for a King

Oct 30

This is a story about a kid whose anxiety led him to make a million demands at bedtime to help him feel safe, and a mom who gave in because she knew it helped and also she was desperate to get him to bed. But this is also a story about how even when things feel out of control, you can always make a change when something isn’t working for you or you family, even if your kid doesn’t agree with those changes. AND it’s a story about how consistency and commitment are the most important aspects of creating good, sustainable sleep habits.

I’m going to share the routine that I have never shared with anyone…

Landen’s bedtime routine has greatly evolved over the years, as it should, because a routine for a newborn will not be the same as a routine for a 6 year old. We’ve definitely had ups and downs in the bedtime battle department, but the routine has always been our constant. It’s the thing that I know *most* days will help his little body unwind after a long day of never ending sensory input, stress, and anxiety.

I have never shared the ins and outs of his routine with anyone, not even Eric. Anytime anyone else has had to put him to bed, he’s developed an abbreviated version of the routine, which is usually just two books, rockabye baby, goodnight moon.

I’ve kept this routine to myself because there is no way anyone could replicate it, so teaching Landen that someone else puts him to bed differently is easier than teaching someone else how to get through his routine.

But I also know a part of me has felt a little judged for his routine. I don’t think there is anyone in the world who understands Landen’s needs and quirks quite like I do, including possibly even Landen himself. I pride myself in how in tune I am with his needs, but I also know that a lot of my parenting decisions around his needs are confusing to other people. If I shared his routine, I know people would look at me like I’m crazy and it’s not worth trying to explain each detail. And honestly, I’m trying to build a business on helping people make bedtime easier, and this is anything but easy. It works for us now, but it’s certainly not something I’d recommend to a client.

But it’s not just that. I also had a really bad experience with a really bad therapist who told my five year old with anxiety “you can’t play with the toys in this office unless you start talking to me,” (hello red flag number 1) which my very self aware child ignored, and then later said to me “I just met him and I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.”

Well this awful therapist also made me feel really shitty for how I handle the bedtime routine. I told him one thing I wanted to work on was Landen’s anxiety around bedtime and his refusal to allow anyone else to put him to bed. So naturally, the bedtime routine came up in this conversation and he asked me what the routine was.

I told him I couldn’t really explain the whole thing but I’d give the spark notes, and as I started talking his eyes got WIDE. I said “I know, it seems like a lot, but the whole thing really only takes 10 minutes” (hello red flag number 2 - if you feel like you have to explain yourself to a therapist, get a new therapist) to which he responded, “well it seems like it takes a lot longer than that, and it seems like the problem here is recognizing who’s in charge.” I did not ask his opinion on the routine, I asked him to help my child manage his anxiety. The routine itself was doing exactly that. And here’s the thing. Yes the routine is crazy. Yes it gives in to a lot of demands. BUT it also is only 10-15 minutes and it helps a highly anxious child with a ton of sensory sensitivities get to bed and stay that way for 11 hours.

I’m over it, cuz he sucks, and I’m ready to share…

So anyway, I’ve kept the routine just between me and Landen mostly because it’s crazy to explain, but also to avoid judgment. But it’s not changing any time soon, so I decided I really don’t care. I decided that Landen is my child and I get to decide how to parent him. And I decided that therapists are not always right, and this one was very, very wrong.

And I also decided that having this written out may actually give me the ability to say hey, read my blog on Landen’s routine, it might help you help him get to sleep if I’m not around. (Although I have no expectation that anyone will do all of this, and I will ALWAYS tell Landen when I’m gone that he gets a special different routine with whoever is putting him to bed, including daddy.)

I’m going to describe his routine in detail, and then I’m going to break it down and explain where each aspect of the routine came from.

SO. Anyway. Here goes.

Step 1: Landen picks two books from the bookshelf while mom gets Goodnight Moon and the tap light, and puts water on the right side of the bed.

**This is where the routine could get long, so mom reserves the right to say “no, that book is too long, we’ll read it in the morning.”

Step 2: Mom turns off the lights, sits on the right side of the bed and Landen climbs into her lap.

Step 3: Mom reads Landen’s two chosen books in the dark using the tap light to see.

Step 4: Mom sings rockabye baby while Landen drinks water. He must start drinking before mom starts singing and continue drinking throughout the whole song (per his request - hello anxiety, and maybe OCD).

Step 5: Landen stretches his back.

Step 6: Mom reads Goodnight Moon with the tap light while pointing to everything on the pages.

And here’s where it gets fun…

Mom: Light number 1.

*Landen turns off the tap light.

Mom: Sound Machine number 1.

*Landen and mom walk together in the dark to turn on the sound machine.

Mom: This is number 1, I’m here for your extra. If you want to follow, come out now and follow for your extra.

*Landen and mom walk to the lights and turn them back on.

*Landen walks back to the sound machine to turn it off. Mom walks to the right side of the bed to pull up covers, line up stuffed animals, and hold water. Landen walks over to take a sip.

*Landen goes back to turn the sound machine back on while mom brings water to the left side of the bed, fixes Landen’s pillow, and pulls down the blanket.

*Landen goes to turn off the lights and runs to bed BEFORE the lights are fully out (they dim slowly), and mom covers Landen.

*Mom sings two short songs made up by Landen, then ABCs and Skidamarink.

Mom: How many kisses and hugs? 1-2-3-4, extra 1, extra 2, extra 3, extra 4. Are you cold? Legs down arms in. Do you need me to fix your friends? Do you need me to fix your pillow? Do you have three things to tell me? What are they?

**This is just a long statement. Landen does not respond and mom doesn’t actually do any of these things. It’s just a comfort to hear and I’ll talk about how this evolved below.

Landen: Why do I have a ceiling?

Mom: To keep the rain, snow, wind, and storms out of your room. What's the second thing?

Landen: Why do I have walls?

Mom: To keep your room private and safe. What’s the third thing?

Landen: Why do I have a floor?

Mom: To walk on. What’s the extra thing?

Landen: *asks one different question each night*

Mom: *answers the same way as the last time that question was asked*

Mom: Do you hear your sound machine? *Turn the machine off and back on.* Better? A little bit louder? Sound machine’s fixed, friends are fixed, pillow’s fixed. You’re tucked in warm and cozy. I love you and I’ll see you in the morning when the light is on. Goodnight and bye!

Landen: Goodnight and bye and thanks for everything.

Mom: Goodnight and bye you’re welcome! I love you. Have a goodnight sleep. Bye! I love you and that is it. Goodbye and that is it. *leaves room, immediately re enters. Sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.*

Mom: Extra hug, extra kiss, I love you, I love your new clock too, and that is it. Goodnight!

Landen: *gives an extra hug and kiss* Goodnight!

And that’s it! Super quick and easy and then he’s out cold for 11 hours.

HAHA ok not super quick and easy, but it really does only take 10-15 minutes and he really is almost always out cold immediately for 11 hours, so to me, it’s working and nothing has to be changed.

So how did all of this come about?

Well, I recently shared on Instagram that if you have a toddler who is requesting things at bedtime as a stall tactic, I recommend that you lean in and anticipate the request. So maybe they’re asking for more water, or an extra hug. Just assume those things will now be part of the routine and do them before your toddler asks.

Well, friends, I leaned in a little too far. I started giving into every little request and the requests began to pile up until we had a one hour plus bedtime routine.

I always read 1-2 books in the dark, and I always did rockabye baby and goodnight moon, sound machine on, lights out, in bed. This worked for a very long time. And then I got pregnant with Graham and Landen’s anxiety spiked (he actually ran into sleep issues with both Joey’s and Graham’s pregnancies), and he began to make more and more requests to keep me in his room at bedtime.

Let’s break it all down.

HE wanted to be the one to turn on the sound machine. Totally fine, no big deal.

HE wanted to be the one to turn the lights out. Totally fine, no big deal.

But then it gets tricky.

“This is number one, I’m here for your extra, if you want to follow for your extra come out now and follow for your extra.” What the hell does this even mean? Let me tell you.

When I was pregnant with Graham, Landen began doing anything he could to keep me in his room longer at bedtime. He would tell me he had to turn his sound machine on and off “3 times, and one extra” AKA 4 times. (Hello, anxiety that may or may not be OCD.) AND he wanted to follow me (AKA touch me while we walked) to his bed and get tucked in between each walk back and forth from the sound machine.

Theoretically, this would only take a minute. We’d walk back and forth 4 times turning the machine on and off and the lights on and off and tucking him in. BUT theory and practice are not the same (I know this, because I have a teacher certification from a research based institution). Landen would stall on the following me part, but if I moved on without him an epic meltdown would ensue. In fact, in his perfect world, he wanted me to leave his room and come back in and redo all of that each time. And I had to wait a minute outside his room so that he was fully in bed and ready to start over. So I began saying “come out NOW and follow for number one” then number two, three, and the extra. I was firm in this so he would know that if he didn’t follow NOW he wouldn’t be following at all.

So how did it become “this is your extra” only, instead of doing this all 4 times? We’ll get to that.

Next, he began requesting more and more and more songs. I cut him off at 4 very short ones. It really only takes about 30 seconds.

And then the kisses and hugs. He needed a million kisses and hugs. Every night he would ask me for a different number of kisses and hugs and then “extras”. So, if he wanted 5 kisses and hugs he also wanted 5 extras, so I’d give him 10 saying “1-2-3-4-5, extra 1, extra 2, extra 3, extra 4, extra 5. Sometimes he asked for 2, sometimes he asked for 12. It was annoying but I usually did it pretty quickly, tucked him in, and left the room.

Then he started screaming that his pillow wasn’t fluffed right and his “friends” (stuffed animals) weren’t lined up properly. So I went back in and quickly fixed all that. Once he switched to a queen sized bed, he began requesting that we read the books on the other side instead of the side he sleeps on. This was actually really useful and kept his pillow perfectly fluffed, so we were able to avoid this altogether.

Then one day he started screaming that he was soooo cold and couldn’t sleep because he couldn’t get his blanket to cover his whole body. And then he decided this would be part of the routine. Every time I left the room he’d start screaming that he needed help with his blanket. AND when I covered him he would complain that his whole body wasn’t covered.

So I beat him to it and added it into his routine after the kisses. I started saying “are you cold? Legs down arms in!” and I’d cover his whole body after the kisses. And then it was finally over!

Or so I thought…

When I left the room, he started screaming that he had to tell me something, and he really couldn’t go to sleep until he told me because he might forget in the morning. But of course that spiraled into him having to ask me “three questions and one extra” (are you sensing a theme here?). So he asked me different questions every night initially, but any repeat questions he really wanted to hear the same answer as last time (hello anxiety and maybe OCD). Eventually he settled on his three favorite questions, and now his one extra is something a little bit different every night. But EVERY question ALWAYS revolves around the state of his bedroom at bedtime, and helps him feel safe in there.

Once that was part of the routine, and I started walking out after it was over, he started screaming that his sound machine wasn’t loud enough and it wasn’t on the “right” sound. SO he would have me come in and go through every sound on the machine until it got back to the beginning (if you have a lectrofan, you know what I’m talking about). And then he’d have me make it louder until he could “hear it”.

SO. I beat him to it and started saying “do you hear your sound machine? Let me fix that for you.” And then THAT was part of the routine too.

The end of the routine honestly comes from a place of frustration. I was starting to lose it with his never ending stall requests, so I started using language that let him know I was DONE. Instead of just goodnight, I said “goodnight and BYE” pretty firmly, so of course he super sweetly responded with “goodnight and bye and thanks for everything” and I couldn’t resist saying you’re welcome.

He then began repeating me. When I said goodnight, he said goodnight. When I said I love you, he said I love you. When I said have a good night sleep, he said have a good night sleep. And if he didn’t repeat it exactly in that order, we’d have to start over. So again, it got out of control, so I added “that is IT” to the end of a few phrases.

For a long time, I would leave the room after “goodnight and that is it” and that was actually it. The routine was over.

Eventually I knew it was time to make real changes…

As you can imagine, this whole thing began to take WAY too long. I would honestly have to start the bedtime routine around 6 to get him to bed by 7. Eric would usually take Joey and put her to bed somewhere in this hour, or just read some books with her, but I was beginning to get really frustrated.

And I was also pregnant. Having an hour long bedtime routine with a newborn would not have been possible. I knew something had to change before Graham was born and I knew Landen wasn’t going to like it.

So, one day, I decided I was done. I talked to Landen beforehand about how things in his routine had to change because it was getting too long and it was interfering with his ability to get enough sleep, and it was interfering with my ability to be a good mom. So we sat down at the table in the morning after we were both well rested, and we listed out everything in his routine. Then, together, we decided what could be eliminated.

He (very strongly) suggested that nothing could be eliminated.

Of course he did! He was a 3 year old with severe anxiety, and the only way he knew how to calm his anxiety was to have complete control over as much of his life as possible. Bedtime, especially, was sacred. So we decided that instead of eliminating anything, we would keep the routine intact with adjustments to shorten the process.

The first thing to go was me leaving the room and coming back in 3 times and one extra to go through the whole sound machine following me to bed process. Instead, I would stay in the room, and we would do this ONE time with ONE extra. This is how we evolved to him turning on the sound machine and lights, turning off the sound machine, taking a sip of water, and then turning the sound machine back on and lights off. This honestly probably cut 20-30 minutes out of the routine.

He was SUPER mad about it. I’m talking 45-60 minute meltdown mad. I sat with him in his meltdown and rubbed his head and reminded him that I would not be changing my mind. He went to bed late that night, but I knew it was important to stay consistent. I knew this would be a late night, one where bedtime took two hours instead of one. But I also knew that this was the only way to make a change, and it would benefit me in the long run.

The next night, his meltdown lasted 20-30 minutes. The night after that he was upset and whined a little, but he went to bed at his regular time. This was the biggest chunk that had to change. From there, the rest sort of it slowly evolved into a shorter routine. I kept everything the same, but instead of actually DOING everything, I just SAID it. Other than lining up his friends and fixing his pillow, which happens WHILE he is turning his sound machine on.

**This is just a long statement. Landen does not respond and mom doesn’t actually do any of these things. It’s just a comfort to hear and I’ll talk about how this evolved below.

It was better, but still too long, frustrating, and overwhelming…

But one thing that was still out of hand were his questions. He would sit and deliberate and really think about what he wanted to ask, and I’d get frustrated waiting for him. So I told him if he didn’t ask right away, he wouldn’t get to ask at all. That’s how his first three questions became the same 3 every night, and just having one to think about really sped up this process.

We successfully got the routine down to 15 ish minutes, and this lasted for about two years. I would do his routine, say the things he wanted me to say, and he would go to sleep. Win Win for both of us. It was perfect for almost 2 years.

Until it wasn’t anymore…

Last January, we hit a major regression with both kids. I’m not sure what was going on, but they both started to come out of their rooms over and over again every single night with a million requests. I was losing my mind, and I knew something would have to change again. At this point they were 5 and almost 4, so I asked them what would help them. Landen said “one more song”. Over the previous two years, after we “fixed” the routine, every bedtime request was met with “we will not add anything to your routine” or “we will do this tonight and then we will never do it again” because I saw the impact of continuing to lean into his requests. And he always knew I was serious, because I was, and I didn’t change my mind. This time felt different though. It felt like something really was going on and he really needed a tiny bit of extra connection.

So, Twinkle Twinkle little star entered the picture, and that (combined with a bedtime pass that he no longer uses) truly did fix the problem.

By the way, he loves his Hatch clock. It helps him understand when sleep time and when awake time are. So he used to tell me he loves his new clock and I’d respond with “I love your new clock too”, and that’s the end. That’s our key phrase that tells Landen the clock is red, and sleep time is now.

This has been working well for us for the last 9 months. I have no intention of changing anything any time soon. But I know this if I have to, I can, and until then this is important to HIM to help him get to sleep when I NEED him to get to sleep.

Arden Resnick